Are you considering doubling up with your kids to save money (yours or theirs), for health reasons, or just because you enjoy the company? Sondra Forsyth's article (http://www.thirdage.com/family-matters/three-generations-under-one-roof) points out that numbers of multigenerational living arrangements are on the rise since the 1990s. My sister took my mother into her home to care for her after mom's money ran out for the lovely nursing home mom was in. It was a lot of work, but sis doesn't regret a minute of it since it allowed her to repay mom for all her love and care during our lives, and mom could be good company when she was feeling well. My daughter-in-law has her father living with the family, at least temporarily, while he gets better healthcare in their area than he could get where he lives. What about you? Because of my codependency issues with family members, which can cause me to expend more energy than I have, I don't see me doubling up soon. But I don't rule it out for the future.
I think its important to have really strong boundaries and lots of flexibility both..And to work out your anger issues with a therapist..because the anger and the hostility grows and flares so quickly..Thats important.. Leslie
Families who all live under the same roof can share the costs of mortgages or rent, utilities, and even groceries and vacations. Everybody wins because nobody is bearing the whole financial burden.
I never anticipated that either of my children (both adult boys) would ever return from overseas to live with us. My husband and I did not experience the empty nest syndrome, and had enjoyed years of peace and rest. I was thinking about the prospect of not being physically and emotionally close to my children and grandchildren for the rest of our lives, when one day my married son asked whether he and his wife could return from overseas and live with us while he studied a course. Now they are with us. My daughter-in-law works a full day from our home (on her computer) and my son is still studying. They pay for their own food etc - but we are saving them rental as well as payments on a car, as they share mine. I became extremely tense, having t0 cope with a whole family again, and when my daughter-in-law fell pregnant I was delighted but my state of tension rose, as they will still be staying with us after the baby is born. I have found that the best way of coping without having a nervous breakdown, is to give each person in the house their own duties: I do the laundry and clean the house; my husband tends to the garden, garbage, and sometimes helps me to hang out the washing. He usually washes the dishes, pots and pans, as we do not have a dishwasher. My son and I share the shopping, and my son and daughter-in-law are responsible for cooking the evening meal. I get up early each day to attend to the washing and to cleaning a portion of the house, then go to work. After work I shop or go to help an elderly aunt who lives on her own. Thank goodness, once I am home again I can finaly relax for the evening! Has anyone got some tips on how to lessen my still-remaining tension?
What a generous heart Sheena. I, too, helped my son with shelter, food, and childcare when he needed it. I think it's important to have an idea of how long your son and his family will be staying with you. Getting them through the transition is reasonable, if stressful. But is there any way of making clear that this is not a permanent solution to their financial challenges? I also think you are going to need to at some point have some boundaries about taking care of your precious grandchild. I'm sure you'll enjoy many special moments, but that doesn't mean you are available to babysit any time. You have to protect your own time for you. I would say don't deny yourself some "me" time or "us" time with your husband. You need it. Also, it's imperative that your son contribute some money to the living situation since you are giving up so much. I'm presuming they contribute to groceries and gas, but because you are doubtless using more utilities and getting more wear and tear on the car, there does need to be a token minimal housekeeping payment. That is the money you could use for an evening or weekend massage or dinner out on your own with friends or with hubby. You have a life, too, and it is just as important as your son's and daughter in law's lives. You are choosing to share your home, which is wonderful, but you still have to put yourself at the top of the list for taking care of family members: You are #1. Otherwise, it will all fall apart.
Many thanks for your guidance, Judy. You have hit on a few points that have been bothering me: a greater financial contribution, for the reasons that you mention; ''me'' and "us"time, and the fact that I must be Number One. (After all, if I fall apart, it will all fall apart - just as you said!) My husband and I intend to revise the house rules soon, and I will be mindful of your advice.
aah, the multigenerational home gets crowded sometimes...for the past 4 years I have shared my home with children, grandchildren, a bachelor brother who has grown tired of the carnie life. Some days I dream of an efficiency apartment in a state far from here, and also dream of a day where I declare there's a new sheriff in town, and everybody better start picking up their dirty clothes and put the cap on the toothpaste, and turn off that light ! On a more somber note, there are days everyone irritates me and I feel very used, no one seems to be concerned about housing and utility costs, the state of the living room, and who buys all that toilet paper, anyway. I suffer the fate of every "good woman", always there, always responsible, always steady.
My daughter, son inlaw and I have discussed, to sell our homes and pool our resources into buying a home with an inlaw suite. I only had one child, her father died and thus raised her on my own. I have been single a very long time. To me it makes sense in the poor economic times we are in. I would be contributing the bulk of the investment, as my property is worth more than theirs. Why pay taxes on two properties, let alone utilities, food and transportation? Is what we ponder. I am holding back because no one, know's, what the future will bring, I may need all the gain I can get on the sale of my home to pay for a room in a nursing home. If I become in such poor shape, I would not want to be a burden, on them.
It sounds like a good idea to live together IF you all get along. Is there any way you can do a trial run before selling your property? I bought nursing home insurance recently to supplement costs for nursing home care if I become unable to care for myself. But there are other things you can do as well to ensure you won't be too much of a burden. Let's face it: our elderly with all their health problems are a handful. But if you have a good relationship with your children and are satisfied with scaling back and have a basically positive personality, you won't be a burden. My mom required full-time care for the last few years of her life but my sister, who took her in when money for the nursing home ran out, was honored to care for her.
Thanks JudyK, for suggesting Nursing Home Insurance. I live in Canada, don't know if there is such a thing, here. You have helped me, realize to research this, as an option. I know one can buy funeral insurance. I have a good relationship with my small family. I have one grandchild, whom is a toddler. I have already set limits on babysitting. The ol' mare isn't what she used to be. As I look back over my family history, it seems my parents were forced out of the nest at the age of thirteen. Mainly because of the great depression, with too many mouths to feed. My grandmother used to say "There will be a another depression far greater, than what I had lived through." I truly believe she is sadly right. Downsizing, would not be problem for me. I have already done that, from acreage & home to a new condo. I just need a place for my bed, computer, microwave and sewing machines! ;-}
I downsized to what fit in my car, but have now filled up a 2-bedroom apartment with used furniture. It's nothing I couldn't part with. I could do with less, but I'm wanting a flat screen TV instead of the chunky one I've got. I'm fitting my family of 4 grandkids, son and DIL, and DIL's dad in here for visit in a few weeks. Pretty crowded. Luckily in Florida we can usually spread outdoors.
Multigeneration families: Just when I thought I had it all taped, with husband, son (Donald) and daughter-in-law (Laureen) as well as myself having our own chores to do to keep the household running smoothly, I found myself feeling more and more stressed, without being able to put my finger on the reason/s. Then my other son visited us from overseas and was shocked at how little responsibility Donald was carrying. He said that the couple were taking too much advantage of our hospitality. His opinion was that Donald and Laureen should be doing everything that they would have done had they been living on their own (as they did, for several years). He pointed out that Donald was spending many, many hours on his computer, having fun instead of looking for a job; had left no toilet paper in the bathroom after using same; was not washing breakfast and lunch dishes etc until the evening, when reminded to do so; Donald has started to complain that he doesn't "feel like" preparing supper [his job together with Laureen, who works the whole day]. Laureen has to be reminded daily that I need a list of ingredients to buy for the meal. The bulk of clothes and linen-washing is done by myself in the morning, but the pile of dirty washing is getting higher, proving that I alone cannot get through it all. Should I call upon the couple to do all their own washing, including their bedding, in addition to their present chores? I recently realised that Donald was not even looking up at me when I greeted him, and used an unnecessarily harsh tone last night when answering his father. He was verbally disciplined for these actions. My husband and I are upset to notice that he is reverting to a "teenage" pattern of disrespect and not taking responsibility. Laureen is expecting a baby in five months, and I'm sure she is disappointed that Donald is not behaving as a husband and future father ought to. We will have to talk to Donald about showing respect for his parents, and about spending more time looking for a job. I am not sure how to address the other problem - duties. I have been warned several times by various parties not to ever meddle in the couple's affairs, and wonder whether anyone can give me suggestions on how to tackle the problem. Should I call a family meeting to discuss the state of affairs in the home? A problem I have is that I would hate to alienate the couple, and must use good judgement in how to tackle these problems. Another problem is that I told the couple many, many months ago that they were welcome to stay with us as long as they needed to. Can I go back on my word? I've always kept the promises I've made. Any advice/suggestions from readers would be greatly appreciated. Sheena
Do not feel like you are breaking a promise that you extended to your son and his wife when you were not only full of compassion for their circumstances but presumed, I'm sure, that as adults and your child they would carry their weight and express at least some gratitude and respect. Your son's behavior cancels out anything you "promised." As a good parent, still involved in parenting, it would benefit your son to have a talk with him about how you are feeling. I think the best approach would be to speak about your own stress and fear for your health as you are trying to make the transition; that you thought it would work but your anxiety is getting the best of you and you want to be sure to be healthy to be able to be the best grandparent to the new addition. Your husband might take on the task of correcting your son's impression that he can lay around and play and not do his chores as he did when he was a teenager. As when raising children, you try to catch them being good and reward them. But when they are being bad, they need a time out or some consequences.
Hi Ladies, I though I'd join in too. My husband and I are both in our late 20s, we have 2 young children. My mother in law was widowed not to long ago and is still quite young (52). She is/was a homemaker her whole life, and is living off pension and retirements savings at this point. We ran some quick figures and determines that the cost of up keeping her home was significantly more then she'd be able to afford in the long term. We figured she'd be out of money in her mid-60s, just as our kids are going to post secondary education. We decided proactively to sell both of our homes and build one larger, but more manageable home reducing her expenses by half (she was still mortgaged on her previous home). She has a completely self enclosed 1+1 bedrooms and 1 bath - 1200sq foot apartment, with separate everything (even laundry facilities). It is the basement of the home, but the home is a walk out so, it doesn't feel like a basement per say. We've been living like this for a year now, and personally I love it. She respects our space as we do hers. We are around if she needs us (for home/yard maintenance, company, etc) and she spends more quality time with our kids. We eat meals together a few times a week. My husband and I can often sneak away for an hour to go to Costco or Lowe's with out the 2 rug rats in tow. If she's out of sugar or salad dressing or we're out of pam -- we always have another kitchen to raid. We even had our dryer break down a few months after living her and just being able to borrow hers for a few loads was nice. Living on her own after her husband passed away was hard. She was lonely, and now she seems much happier. If she wants to socialize she comes up and visits, if she doesn't -- she goes back downstairs. I personally don't know why more families choose to live like this. It's quite nice. I truly enjoy living with my mother in law.
Marianne: That's great. It sounds like it is mutually beneficial. I would have loved an arrangement where I could have been of service to my son and daughter in law and 4 children but still had autonomy to work.
The final answer from my daughter and son inlaw was " Thanks, Mom but we are doing okay." We decided since the mortgage rates are on the rise we are all best to stay put. Their mortgage renewal was due next month the lender called them and offered them a lower rate. They accepted. Two days later on Canadian TV news, the banks raised mortgage rates. We live a 10 minute drive away from each other, close enough that, if an emergency arose, we are close. I was only trying to help but I guess both us, single parents, raised our kids to be very independent.
A 10-minute drive away is perfect. And who knows what will happen in the future or how you may eventually pool resources?